I know I’m being selfish

Which makes me feel worse. I should start at the beginning.

I recently completed my Master’s degree. Only 13% of the US pop. does that. I feel pretty bad ass right. And cocky. I want to celebrate like I’m a member of the royal family but I’m the third child of two school teachers and still live at home. The only think I really wanted was my whole family, my parents and my two brothers, to come to my graduation and we go out to eat dinner after wards. Somewhere along the way this simple dinner became a party where I invited everybody I know on the planet. Even that lady who fired me. I want to thank her cause I might not have gotten the degree if she hadn’t fired me.

For the past two weeks I’ve been cleaning my house which as turned into us needing to sell our couch, wash every rug, curtain and towel in the house, buy a new bed for the guest room and clean out the garage. I am exhausted. But more than that, I’m very sad. 

First my middle brother told me he couldn’t come to the graduation, after promising me for two months that he would, because it’s drill weekend. I’m mad at him for finding a way to not be there for me even if it’s a legitimate reason. This makes me more sad. My oldest brother told me last night that he wasn’t going to make it to the graduation because his band got asked to open for Dave Matthews, yes that Dave Matthews. I wanted to be mad but if his band got signed and he missed out on his big break because he was at my graduation, I wouldn’t forgive myself. This added to my sadness.

My father told me an hour ago that he probably won’t make it to the ceremony because, last night our dryer broke and the repairman is coming to fix it at the exact time of my graduation. So the only person coming to my graduation is my mom and right I’m expecting her to get called into work and call me as the ceremony is starting to tell me she won’t be able to make it. 

Right now, I feel like that last thing on the planet earth I’ve done is accomplished a goal only a select few people achieve. I don’t even want to walk now. I was really only doing it for them. You walk to show your friends and family and everybody else’s friends and family what you have accomplished. The only person in my family who will be there is my mom. Why can’t I be content with just her? Why do I need everyone else to be there? This is making me feel worse. 

I don’t even like graduations. They are boring and perfect opportunities to embarrass yourself. I don’t even want the party now but my house is in pieces and sixty five people will be here Sunday night wanting to celebrate me. I guess I better start acting happy now. By Sunday, I’ll be able to fool everyone into thinking I really am, maybe even myself.